Greetings Wyomingers (Wyomingians? Wyomites?) ... As part of our question-and-answer agreement prior to the Boise State - Wyoming game and as an extension of the goodwill and warm fuzzies between our two blogs, Cowboy Altitude and OBNUG entered into a friendly wager on the outcome of last Saturday's game. Here I am to collect.
Inspired by a true movie story.
Location: The Missouri Tigers football offices.
Scene: Missouri offensive coordinator Dave Christensen is cleaning up his desk after the Tigers' Alamo Bowl win over Northwestern. His LG Chocolate phone rings with Missy Elliott's "Milkshake" as his ringtone. Wyoming athletic director Tom Burman is on the other end.
Christensen: You got the Dave man. Go.
Burman: Mr. Christensen, this is Tom Burman from the University of Wyoming. We are prepared to offer you the head coach position for the Cowboys.
Christensen: But why me? I've never been a head coach before. I don't know the first thing about recruiting Wyoming. Chase Daniel called me a nub not two days ago. Are you sure you have the right guy?
Burman: Mr. Christensen, you are a great head coach with a special purpose. Your powers are greater than even you know.
Christensen: Powers? What kind of powers?
Burman: Look inside yourself Dave Christensen. Embrace the power from within.
Christensen closes his eyes. The room darkens. A window flies open, sending papers into the air. Christensen bends a filing cabinet into a bowtie with his mind and draws up a formation with a center, two quarterbacks, and eight tight ends.
Burman: You report to Laramie first thing in the morning.
Burman hangs up. Christense shotguns a Red Bull and mindmelds the can into a Christmas ornament in the shape of Gary Pinkel.
Location: Laramie, Wyoming
Scene: Christensen takes inventory of his new team.
Christensen: Attention, men. My name is Dave Christensen. I will be your head coach and leader starting now. You will respect me because I can control metal with my mind and come up with offenses that are borderline illegal. On a related note, you will find in your locker a 500-page playbook stapled together with parts from a Ford Focus.
Austyn Carta-Samuels: My name is Austyn Carta-Samuels. My power is invisibility, including but not limited to big games. I would say my weakness is that I want to be like Jeremiah Masoli.
Brian Hendricks: My name is Brian Hendricks. I can run through brick walls and tackle anything that moves - except hamsters.
Joe Glenn enters.
Glenn: Joe Glenn. Bionic middle finger.
Joe Glenn leaves.
Tashaun Gipson: My name is Tashaun Gipson. I have stretchy arms and oven mitts for hands.
Christensen: I can work with this. The world is mine!
Wyoming goes 6-6 and wins the New Mexico Bowl.
Location: Laramie, Wyoming.
Scene: Boise State plays at Wyoming.
Christensen: An enemy approaches.
Chris Petersen: Hey there. My name is Chris Petersen. I don't think we've met.
Intense staring contest.
Christensen picks up a set of bleachers with his mind and throws them at Petersen.
Petersen responds by reading Christensen's inner most thoughts and bringing up Christensen's embarrassing childhood shortcomings. Petersen engulfs Christensen in a ball of energy. Austin Pettis does the Dougie around the ball. Austyn Carta-Samuels disappears. Boise State wins 51-6.
Location: Boise, Idaho.
Scene: Wyoming visits Bronco Stadium with second place in the Mountain West on the line. Christensen seeks revenge on his enemy.
Christensen: We meet again, Dr. Xavier Chris Petersen.
Petersen: It's just Chris Petersen.
Christensen: Whatever. I know I wasn't strategically or emotionally appeared for our last battle and I let my poor planning carry over into a 3-9 season that I had to work very hard to justify to my employers, but I promise you things will be different this time. For one, I've replaced that Carta-Samuels kid with a new and improved model.
Brett Smith enters.
Smith: My name is Brett Smith. I have golden arms and golden legs and golden peach fuzz. Don't touch me or I'll fumble.
Christensen: And you remember Brian Hendricks and Tashaun Gipson.
Hendricks and Gipson enter.
Petersen: I brought some friends with me, too. B-men team, assemble.
The B-men enter.
Kellen Moore: My name is Kellen Moore, and I can see the future, walk on water, peel an orange in one contiguous piece, speak to animals, and kill at Pictionary. I have no weaknesses, except loving too much.
Tyrone Crawford: Tyrone Crawford. I have retractable claws and am the man at eight-pin bowling.
Ian Johnson enters.
Johnson: Ian Johnson. Proposals and beanies.
Ian Johnson leaves.
Matt Miller: My name is Matt Miller, and I am human glue. Also, I am incapable of emotion, like Data from Star Trek.
Doug Martin: My name is Doug Martin, and I have muscles on top of muscles.
OBNUG: My name is OBNUG, and I own the Walk to Remember soundtrack. I am allergic to gluten.
Petersen: I don't know who you are.
OBNUG: I have a blog?
Petersen: Yeah, still nothing.
Christensen: Enough with the pleasantries. Let's do this. For the future of mankind! And that Mountain West thing!
The two sides lock into a fierce battle. Martin and Hendricks fight back and forth while OBNUG tries to get everyone's autograph. When Brett Smith isn't looking, Tyrone Crawford touches him and he fumbles. Tashaun Gipson knocks Matt Miller to the ground. Kellen Moore throws a vial of Super Mario Bros invincibility stars high into the air toward Miller. Gipson goes to catch it, but it bounces off his oven mitt hands and right into Matt Miller's lap. The battle turns. OBNUG has found the tee-retrieving dog and is getting nose grundles. Petersen and the B-Men go in for the final blow. Boise State wins 36-14.
The University of Kansas offers Christensen a job.
Christensen: I'll see you in an Insight Bowl, Dr. Petersen. This isn't over!