Well a deal is a deal and with Boise defeating Wyoming on Saturday One Bronco Nation Under God also won the blog bet between our two sites. Kevan Lee put some of his finest work into this masterpiece and I believe it will be made into a film that will be released straight to VHS.
So put on your robe and grab that mug of hot cocoa so you are comfortable during the reading. Cowboy fans need not worry about being offended with the post.
Good luck the rest of the season to Boise, especially this weekend against Oregon State. Next year when the Cowboys visit Boise the gloves come off.
Full post by Kevan Lee after the jump.
Scene: Austyn Carta-Samuels sitting by himself at a Jamba Juice in Laramie, Wyoming. He’s having a sad.
Moore: Hey there, Austyn Carta-Samuels.
Carta-Samuels: Kellen Moore! Doug Martin! What are you doing here?
Moore: After the game, we had some time to kill, so I worked a soup kitchen here in town, built a Disneyland in Cheyenne to boost tourism, and set up Facebook profiles for every person in the state. I would have been done earlier, but you know how things go with dial-up.
Martin: I punched the wind and it ran away to Nebraska.
OBNUG: I have a BOGO smoothie coupon.
Moore: I sensed that there was someone in distress here, so we hurried over as fast as we could.
Carta-Samuels: Guys, I’m just totally bummed out about our loss on Saturday. I mean, that thing was ugly. I just don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this. Life, as I know it, is over.
Moore: Austyn, I know just the thing for you. Guys’ night!
Carta-Samuels: Oh, the nerdy kid is coming?
Moore: Yes, he’s our ride.
OBNUG: To the Ford Focus!
Carta-Samuels, Moore, Martin, and OBNUG hop in the car and take off toward downtown Laramie.
OBNUG: I love this Miley Cyrus song. Turn it up!
The group arrives at Laramie’s finest steakhouse. The line is out the door. Moore approaches the maitre d’.
Moore: Table for four please.
Maitre d’: Ha, you must be kidding me. Have you seen the line? The only way you’re getting in is – OH MY GOODNESS YOU’RE KELLEN MOORE! Quick, everyone! Throw your valuable jewelry and expensive shoes in this doggie bag. We are in the presence of greatness! Accept this sacrifice as our penance for making you wait in line.
Martin: And that dude’s bolo tie.
The maitre’d shows the group to a table. The waiter arrives.
Moore: My friend Austyn here is having a rough day. Bring us your finest dinosaur meat!
Waiter: Right away.
Martin: And give him a Dr. Pepper poured into the Ark of the Covenant!
Waiter: As you wish.
OBNUG: And it’s his birthday!
Waiter: Is it really his birthday?
The waiter brings out platters of slow-roasted dinosaur meat and arks of soda. Moore, Martin, Carta-Samuels, and OBNUG feast while Kellen Moore recites lines from Fletch movies to the delight of the entire restaurant. At one point, the manager comes over and gives everyone at the table a calf massage.
Waiter: This Oreo mudslide cake is from the gentleman at the bar.
David Augusto waves from the bar.
When the meal is finished, Kellen Moore settles the tab and leaves the waiter a 20 percent tip and a scholarship for children of rural farmers in his name. The group hops into the Ford Focus and continues on, stopping at Laramie’s finest menswear store.
Carta-Samuels: Why are we stopping here?
Martin: If you want to hang with us, you have to look like us. See these pants? They’re made out of live alligators. See Kellen’s sleeveless tee? No, you don’t, because it’s invisible and can only be seen by people who have known and lost love.
Carta-Samuels: But that guy’s wearing a button up T-shirt tucked into jeans.
OBNUG: For your information, Zac Efron wore this once. So yeah ...
Martin and Moore look around the store but don’t see anything they like. So Moore grabs knitting needles and a live herd of goats and makes Carta-Samuels a purple velvet smoking jacket.
Aaron Taylor enters.
Taylor: That is one bright green coat!
Aaron Taylor leaves.
The group drives to Laramie’s hottest club, which is lame. So Kellen Moore builds a bullet train out of tumbleweeds and the group jets over to New York City and the 40/40 club.
Carta-Samuels: This music could use some help.
OBNUG: Not these virgin Shirley Temples! They’re delicious!
Moore: Hang on, Austyn. I’m on it.
Moore makes a phone call and the next thing anyone knows, Dr. Dre is working the turntables and the corpse of Mozart is freestyle rapping at the front of the stage. Eminem enters and makes
up a song about Carta-Samuels and unicorns. It tops the charts within a half-hour and makes $30 million in sales.
Carta-Samuels: This is off the hook!
When they are finished, the group leaves the club, walks to Times Square, reads the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman, and grabs a slice at an Sbarro chain that just renamed itself to Dougbarro.
Just then, a private jet pulls up.
Bill Gates: Hey guys, I was just about to test out some new virtual reality Xbox games and wondered if you wanted to help. It’s just me, the missus, Jessica Alba, and Jessica Albas five sisters who look just like her. I asked them their situation. They’re available.
The group climbs into Bill Gates’s private jet, and they spend the rest of the evening flying back and forth across the country, playing video games, and getting the phone numbers of Jessica Alba’s sisters. Early the next morning, Gates drops them back off at the Laramie Jamba Juice.
Carta-Samuels: Wow, what a night! I feel 100 times better. How can I ever repay you guys?
Martin: You could win the Mountain West.
Carta-Samuels: It’s a deal. Thanks again, guys.
Moore: You bet.
Martin: Don’t mention it.
OBNUG: No problem.
Carta-Samuels: Oh, you’re still here? I thought we ditched you at the restaurant.
With renewed life, Carta-Samuels heads back to practice where he tells the team of his wild adventures. The team rallies around him and goes undefeated the rest of the year.